The totally tall tail of a traitorous tee

Not the shirt in question, but totally apropos
Not the traitorous tee in question, but still apropos

One afternoon last week I was in a rush to get to a meeting. I’d been wearing workout clothes all day, trying to summon the motivation to exercise. By the time I realized that sort of thing wasn’t going to spontaneously happen, I had just enough time to shower and dress.

The two meetings I had that afternoon would be casual-ish, one in a stuffy conference room, and the next in a basement I knew to be chilly. I needed layers.

I pawed through a drawer and pulled out a top I must have forgotten from last summer. It would be perfect with the scarf I’d gotten for Christmas, and a cardigan I could pull on for the chilly basement room.

How had I forgotten this shirt? It was a nice fit, the kind of finishing at the neckline to look a little less t-shirty, fitted enough to look tidy without clinging to my muffin top.

Score. Why had this cute thing been shoved all the way to the back of the drawer?

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Orthodontorture actually IS a word

World of Wonders, See Them Now

When I picked the boys up from the dentist the other day the news was good and then … not so good.

“No cavities,” the hygienist said. Then, pointing at Colin: “I wonder if it’s time for him to see an orthodontist.”

I can answer that, just based on my own powers of observation, and since the kid is still able to (a) chew his own food and (b) doesn’t have any obvious snaggle-tooth issues going on yet.

No, it’s not. Nope-ity. Nope. Nope.

I am not speaking, of course, as a professional. I am quite sure that people go to school for a helluva long time in order to tell me whether it’s time to fit my kid with dental ironworks.

My perspective is that of a survivor.

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Hashtag … What Now?

Should I go with the duck lips?
Should I go with the duck lips?

In a week I’ll be conducting a social media workshop for a group of service club leaders. I wouldn’t be nearly as prepared but for a recent schooling I received on the subject from someone half my age.

The impromptu education session wouldn’t have phased me, except for that thing I have with being competitive about stupid stuff. Which is how this is also a story about how my better judgment got a workout, wrestling with the desire to wring a certain college student by the neck.

A brawl would have disrupted our meeting. And you know I’m all about decorum.

The young woman in question doubtlessly thought she was being helpful. She’d been invited by a well-meaning member of our group to introduce our gaggle of middle-aged(ish) ladies to the social media tools she believed were critical to any relevance we hoped to have, whatsoever.

“I went out and did a search for you guys on Twitter,” she said. “People are talking about the stuff you do, but you don’t even have an account.”

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I sought the bra, and the bra won

cone_o_bra
Dressing like a grown-ass woman starts with the fundamentals

We certainly have our issues, black bra. In fact, this morning was a complete disaster thanks to you.

See, I had it all planned. Today it was going to be the black dress. The wraparound one with the short sleeves. Sure it was a little chilly this morning, but with that dress and a light sweater, and my new boots, I would have killed it all damn day.

Everything else cooperated. The boots, check. The sweater, check. The grandma underpants that keep everything from jiggling in my killer black wraparound dress, check. Even the nude hose were ready.

Did you hear me? I was planning HOSE! Dressing like a grown-ass woman today. It was a power suit kind of day.

Only without the power suit, the only power suits I still own being the kind with shoulder pads. From the 90s. The ones that can say with a straight face: I got a head for business and a bod for sin, is there anything wrong with that?

Indeed there is. Not the look I was going for.

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I should probably just skip career day

Typewriter KeysGood afternoon all you earnest, eager to learn young men and women. I’m so happy to have the opportunity to talk to you today, when you’re supposed to be focused on ME, rather than huddled in a corner with your friends, as far away from all the parents as you can possibly get (remember the school holiday party last year?).

Today, of course, we’re talking about careers.

Now, I know you’ve heard gobs about the benefits of the computer science, business, medical, finance and other industries from all the other parents and are pumped up about 401(k) plans and luxury cars.

Well, if you would do me the great big favor of setting all that aside, we’ve arrived at the time to talk about …. (drumroll please) working for nonprofits!

You know …. nonprofits? Well, maybe you’ve heard of charities or NGOs? Same thing.

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Dinner with The Breakfast Club

BreakfastThis weekend was the 30th anniversary of John Hughes’ high school coming of age drama The Breakfast Club, and I wouldn’t be a self respecting Gen X-er if I hadn’t forced everyone in the house under the age of 20 to watch it with me.

And by “force” I mean “promised we could eat dinner in the living room if I got to pick the entertainment.”

Our audience included my teenage and pre teen sons, and two sixteen year-old exchange students: Hanna, my little kitchen organizer, whom you’ve met, and Julia from Russia.

This was going to be good. I’d get all kinds of material in our post movie discussion about which to write. I was mentally doing that little finger-twiddling thing, the universal hallmark of maniacal schemers and bloggers.

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When Plan B is No Plan At All

sunlightOf all the things I think I do well, or even fair-to-middlin’, sitting still is not one.

I don’t know where this particular ability went. I used to be able to chill like a pro. But somewhere around the time the kids came along, and the amount of stuff I had to accomplish in one day skyrocketed in relation to the amount of a night’s sleep, I also realized I had lost the ability to retain consciousness if I sat in the same place for more than 30 seconds at a time.

Even now, when I can be relatively certain of the ability to string several hours of shut-eye together a night and am not in danger of becoming a vegetable if I sit still for any length of time, it feels almost criminal to just hang.

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How to look like you don’t care, in almost no time at all

lipstickA makeup tutorial popped up in my Facebook feed the other day that I couldn’t help but watch. I was GUARANTEED to be BLOWN AWAY by what this woman did with red lipstick.

I had gobs of stuff to do that afternoon, which is why I was on Facebook in the first place.

You know. Multitasking.

The video by Deepica Mutyala showed me how to cover dark circles under my eyes with red lipstick. Assuming I have dark circles under my eyes. And that I actually wear makeup.

I had so much to do. I kept watching. Mesmerized.

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More Gangsta, Less Jello: A Personal Reflection on Values

This wasn’t one of those lists.

It wasn’t one of those top-ten-annoying-things-you-do-at-work lists, or fashion-faux-pas-after-age-thirty lists. This wasn’t a list to confirm you’re a child of the 80s, or a Virgo, or a Stowaway Tribble on the USS Enterprise. It was from an article someone used at a workshop we attended this past weekend for soon-to-be foreign exchange students.photo (62)

In Values Americans Live By, Robert Kohls of the Washington International Center, spells out thirteen of the core values he says explain why many of us in this country behave the way we do.

Sure it does, I thought. Despite my proclivity for clicking on nonsensical social media quizes, I don’t especially like being told I fit any mold in particular.

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My running buddies need thick skin

dog_runI learned two things this weekend. Number one: my dog is a traitor.

A couple weeks ago I had drinks with a good friend and a couple of her friends I’ve been getting to know. When we were done talking about anything and everything remotely related to our kids, we talked about running. This is a group that runs together.

“You run?” One woman asked me. “Why didn’t we know that?”

Probably because I run mostly solo, and really, really slowly. Joining any running group might require I step up my game a little bit, or risk holding a whole bunch of moderately capable runners back.

“Oh,” she said. “I thought you were going to say it was because you run really fast.”

That’s funny. No. I’m so slow, I make pretty much anyone putting one foot in front of the other for any length of time look good. Your average, garden-variety slug on Quaaludes looks fast next to me.

Persistent, yes. Fast? No.

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