A Semi-Comprehensive Guide to Raising Kids in the Digital Age

"Who wants to play video games?"What’s missing from those What to Expect books is a chapter (or maybe even a whole volume) on parenting in the age of the World Wide Web. Right about now, something like: What to Expect when your Child Gets Sucked into the Matrix and their Brains Turn to Jelly, would be helpful.

I’ve done my usual exhaustive research (i.e., read a couple related articles online before getting distracted by lists of celebrities who Botox their pets), and come to the conclusion that no one really has a handle on the convergence of kids and the Internet.

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And that’s how mom always ends up the hero

lemonade standLast night, Mike and I stayed up to attend a late night dog round up where our kid was head dog rustler. Or maybe it was rodeo clown. I can’t always tell with these things, but whatever. Gainful employment for a twelve year-old boy isn’t always easy to come by.

Not long ago Colin would regularly set up a lemonade stand in front of our house and sit in the summer heat under our patio umbrella, waving at passing cars. I still have a collection of hand-lettered signs stowed behind our bedroom dresser.

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Summer in the whipping by age

river_funI have a little confession to make: despite the amount of complaining I do about summer, about working from home surrounded by unproductive kids and their dirty dishes, about feeling like I’m having a stroke every time I run outside, I actually love summer.

I love dinner on a patio with misters and fans going full blast. I love long walks in the evening when it’s light until ten. I love concerts in the park and sundresses and pedicures and weird sunburns left on that spot on my shoulder I missed with the sunscreen. I love the smell of the neighbor’s barbecue fired up, and spontaneous trips to the snow cone shack.

But here a full third of this summer has passed, and I haven’t had a chance to really lean into it. We started with that mad dash toward the end of the school year, and its ridiculous amount of activity, and it seemed like everyone’s kids were graduating all at once, and then there was the family road trip of the century, and our exchange student’s mother came to stay with us. When she and her daughter left, a former exchange student arrived with her boyfriend for a visit.

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If you need me, I’ll be in the yard

I Fought The Lawn ... And The Lawn Won

My lawn care workforce is currently on strike, but I think it’s going to be okay.

Saturday afternoon, I watched Colin struggle to adjust the line on the weed whacker for the hundredth time. Somehow he cannot master the art of gently tapping the thing against the ground just enough to get the line to feed out. Instead, he slams it with the force of a WWF wrestler, and jams it up. Every. Single. Time. Then he has to take the thing apart and put it back together.

He wouldn’t ask for help. He struggled with it for a while before proclaiming trimming an official pointless waste of time of which he’d have none, then moved on to mowing.

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And so we meet again, Summer

FullSizeRender (2)Today is the last day of school. Blessed school. Even though our kids are looking forward to a break, we know it won’t be long before even they miss the structure. The routine. The luxury of lunch every day at the same time. They may even miss music and math and reading and science. Maybe.

I know I will miss teachers, our parenting fall guys. They’re the people in our lives who stay on task and pay attention. The ones who keep us honest with due dates and grades and attendance and tardy slips.

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Tales of a Grocery Gladiator

Healthy groceriesI never used to shop at this particular grocery store. When the kids were little, and as likely as not to pull themselves out of the cart and land on their heads, bolt out the door while I’m rifling for my wallet, or surreptitiously sneak a Snickers off the rack, it was just too much to deal with, and bag my own groceries.

This lack of bagging service means that the prices at this store are super reasonable, but for a mom of young kids, it also meant shopping excursions that were races down the aisles, me pulling crap into my cart as fast as I could before someone had a melt-down or a blow out, and then also remembering to pack the cold foods in with the cold, not inadvertently stowing the bread under the apples, while the next customer waited on me to clear the lane, and the kids threatened a WWF smackdown right there on the linoleum in front of God and everybody.

I couldn’t handle that kind of stress.

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A Girl and Her Ride

carOnce, when teenaged Jack was little, I had him strapped to my chest in one of those forward-facing baby carriers while I tried to work, and someone remarked that they’d heard a theory that babies think they’re appendages of their mothers’, at least until they’re mobile.

It’s sounds hokey to me now, but at the time, it certainly felt like we were attached more or less permanently. I remember getting to the end of the day and not wanting to be touched anymore, by anyone ever. Completely unencumbered by the weight of another person, or someone clutching my leg or my blouse or even laying a hand on my shoulder.

Now, of course, the norm is something more along the lines of the occasional side-hug or fist bump, so my issues with being touched have waned. 

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May is the new December

About this time a couple years ago, I made what I thought was a funny, innocuous comment, and an instant enemy of the school librarian. Actually, probably the whole elementary school faculty and staff.

I was a chaperone one of Colin’s field trips to a neighboring town. It’s a relic of the Civil War-era Boise Basin gold rush, and its 400 or so current residents go to great lengths to retain its Wild West appearance for tourists.

The kids spent much of the day split into groups with parents who led them around, pointing out general historical stuff while being ignored. Afterward, everyone met in a shop for a scoop of ice cream. On the way out of town, the busses pulled into a picnic area where we roasted hotdogs for lunch.

I sidled up to my friend, the librarian, and made small talk. She’d always been chatty and sociable.

The kids had finished their hotdogs and were chasing each other over picnic tables. We agreed we were looking forward to summer.

“What’s with this whole last month of school, anyway?” I asked. “I mean, there’s not much actual school going on, right?”

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Family Farmer’s Market Fiasco

marketSaturday I woke the kids with an invitation to the farmer’s market and a bribe of donuts.

Usually these Saturday morning trips are a date thing with Mike and me. We’re up before anyone else (pretty much any time before noon, so don’t be impressed) and heading downtown on bikes.

On this morning, Mike had something else going on, and I had a kind of Pollyanna moment: wouldn’t it be wonderful for a few adolescents who might otherwise not see sunlight all day long to join me in the fresh air for a spell?

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Baby Daddy and the Sitter Dog

Baby bath timeThis was the week for sugar babies at Colin’s school: when sixth graders manage a budget and haul around a five-pound sack of sugar as though it’s a real baby.

Which meant last weekend was probably when other sixth-grader families collected their requisite five pound bags, wrapped them with decorative duct tape to help prevent leaks, dressed them in doll clothes (or in carefully saved baby clothes from their own early years), drew faces with Sharpies, and gathered all the accouterments necessary to make-believe taped-up bags of sweet, short-chained, soluble carbohydrates were real babies.

Of course, the weekend in my house had more to do with a whole bunch of stuff that was not school-related, and then a Sunday 10:30 pm hollering down the stairs:

“Oh my GOD, mom, tomorrow’s sugar baby day.”

By that time I well enough into my cups – as it were – to be tempted to remind Colin that anything school-related after 10 pm on a Sunday is not my circus, therefore not my monkeys. 

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